Week 8: Nothing Doing

I literally did nothing this week.  There is a bevy of "shoulda-woulda-coulda"s running through my mind as I sit down to reflect on this week, but the cold fact is that I was unmotivated to workout this week and felt disappointed in my physical self.  It's been 8 weeks, and although my colleagues have commented that they notice I'm slimming down, I can't see it - neither in the mirror or on the scale.  I swear, the scale has not budged an inch, and my clothes seem to fit just the same.  The only difference I can note is that when I do workout, I feel that I surprise myself with my endurance and capacity.  Thus, I just couldn't bear to step into my shoes for a workout.

Monday through Friday were finals week.  This fact alone *should* have motivated me to blow off stress in a healthy manner, but I simply gave up the mental battle to drag myself to the gym.  I did walk a little extra during my commute, exiting one subway stop before my usual, so my walking back-and-forth each day summed up to about 25 minutes instead of 15.  Still, instead of patting myself on the back about this small adjustment, I just feel lazy and pathetic.  Although some trainers say to concentrate on the positive, to me, walking an extra 10 minutes each day (which adds up to nearly an hour over the week) is not enough.  It was something, but then again squatting down to sit on the toilet could be something too.  It surely doesn't replace a cardiovascular workout.

That idea, "not enough", is another hurdle I've been battling with outside my workouts.  I wonder when I will ever be "enough"...healthy enough, slim enough, smart enough, creative enough, artistic enough...the train is endless.  (I guess that's what my mom keeps calling my need for "perfectionism".)  However, I've discovered that I get demotivated by the thought that I might never be "enough" - and when trying to achieve a physical goal, this thought is enough to stop me in my tracks and sit my patootie right back down.  If I'm never going to be enough, then what's the point of chasing down an infinite result?

The resultant discovery is that it never WILL be enough, so I've got to find some other reason for doing it...namely, enjoyment.  This week, I reflected on the fact that I was unmotivated to workout, something I should be enjoying by now.  In my reflection, I found that I need to find more activities which motivate me because of the sheer joy I gain in doing them.  That's the quest for this week.  I know that I enjoy running (in moderation) and swimming (especially outside) and dancing (which I have rare opportunities to do).  So, I'll just have to figure out how to motivate myself this week to seek out those types of activities in order to counteract the perfectionism mindset and re-boot my joy of pursuing this task I've set for myself.